Corroborating testimony

Who better to know about the evil that is squirrel-Qaeda than a genius called Dr. Know?

Just saw a news item entitled “Squirrel knocks out power for 7,400 Southeast Portland PGE
customers.” This demands an insta-response from Dr. Know: How does one squirrel take down a power station providing juice to so many PDX-ers? 

—The Friends of Z.

[Dr. Know responds]

I’m happy to oblige, Friends—though given that you wrote me on July 26, you’ll have to accept my rather expansive definition of what constitutes “insta.” (You should see how long it takes me to make Minute Rice.)

I’m not sure how much play other local news outlets gave this story—I spent most of the week under my desk, frisking with a ball of yarn—but even if you missed it entirely, I daresay the headline tells you all you need to know.

But here’s what the lamestream media isn’t telling you: This incident represents the third major squirrel attack on the local power grid in the month of July alone.

I’m not kidding: On July 1, a squirrel caused 10,000 Multnomah County ratepayers to lose power. On the 23rd, a second sciurine assault blacked out 3,000 customers in Sellwood.

Then, of course, came the July 26 raid that finally managed to penetrate your vast, cowlike complacency. Once is unfortunate, twice is a coincidence, but three times? That’s a conspiracy. Wake up, sheeple!

How the squirrels are doing it, frankly, isn’t important. The real question is why. Still, just to satisfy your blindered, bean-counting curiosity, I rang up PGE’s Steve Corson to ask.

The gist is that squirrels rappel into electrical substations, shouting “Death to the infidels!” in their comical, high-pitched Alvin and the Chipmunks voices, and bridge the gap between two conductors with their bodies. This kills the squirrel, but not before ruining Game of Thrones for half of Goose Hollow. ¡Vive la révolution!

I TOLD YOU!